Rollin' Like Sisyphus

Bitch Stole My Fish, And Other Ole Timey Election Season Prognostications

Posted in My Erstwhile Foe by Huckleberry on October 13, 2012

The Best Case Scenario. Plus, if we survive, we can always say “We were there!” in a haughty, arrogant tone like the so-called Greatest Generation did. The bastards.

OK, first, I’ve already stated I’m not huge on this election, and even though I’ve made my first ever Official Endorsement for President of the United States of America, I’m still not voting for the guy or for his opponent. For conservatives, a convincing argument can be made that a victory for President Ladies Tee is better in the long run than a victory for the Stormin’ Mormon in the same way a Gore win would have been better for conservative doctrine than Bush’s victory turned out to be. Many of the faults currently decried by the right side of the aisle would be grudgingly embraced by conservatives with Romney wearin’ the Big Boy (under)Pants. Plus, if you really want to hurt the O-Force in a deep, personal way, let him win this thing. As I’ve said previously, he doesn’t want to win. The debate underscored this in spades. For whatever reason, the powers that be wouldn’t let him step down, wouldn’t let the grassroots draft Hillary!, so he’s forced to go through the motions.
In sum, the only group that wants an O-Force victory is the Press, who are dragging him to the finish line kicking and screaming.
Romney, on the other hand, is garnering numerous plaudits for showing up and being competent, something that McCain couldn’t manage. Just as Johnny Knoxville kicking ass in the Special Olympics was nothing to
hang a hat on, neither is Romney’s drubbing of Obama. It’s so easy, a caveman could, in fact, do it, and yet it still came as a shock to the media. Although the media has been in decline for a decade now, it’s
about to enter the final leg of its last election cycle of any notable influence as we currently know it. Come 2014, several of the major outlets of record will be wiped off the face the Earth, and what’s
left will probably merge several times over. Oddly, a Romney victory would be the best thing for the long(ish) prospects of the media, as they’ll actually commit to, you know, performing random acts of
journalism again for a few years.
The most surprising thing I’ve learned so far this election season is how awfully conservative Romney is, if my Facebook News Feed is any indication. News to me, but apparently the liberal governor of a deeply liberal state, who was pretty popular among the liberal populace of that state, is a 21st century David Duke who’s coming for your lady parts.
Anyway, here are some observations and prognostications for the election as we head into Turn 4. As always, do keep in mind that my track record of accuracy with prognostications of any kind are, how do you say, “special” in a retarded way:

    * The Smartest Vice President of All Time will call Wrong Paul a “Keebler Elf, you know, ‘cause he’s a fudge-packin’ faggot” during a stump speech in East Liverpool, OH.
    * The Stormin’ Mormon will get flustered by a series of frozen polls toward the end of the election. The media/pollsters will insist that a D+32 advantage in its samples is a perfectly acceptable assumption of the composition of the electorate. In frustration, Captain Underpants will grab a Tickle Me Elmo doll from a Pro-O protester, shove it down his pants, and ask “Do you believe in Magic now, fucker?”
    * A little-known Senate candidate will punch a reporter in the face, and no one will care.
    * On Election Night, early exit polls will indicate a landslide victory for President Ladies Tee. Chris Mathews will then be arrested for masturbating live on Hardball with Chris Mathews.
    * ABC will call the race for the O-Force at 20:01 EST, NBC and CBS will follow suit, based on his commanding wins in Rhode Island, Maine, and Delaware. “That’s almost one fourth of the Eastern Seaboard!” Rachel Maddow will squeal.
    * The Stormin’ Mormon will eek out a victory in 9 of 11 swing states, but he’ll lose Ohio and Pennsylvania when Obama’s little known Undersecretary of Necromancy physically resurrects 565,355 dead Democratic voters from across the Rust Belt, buses them to the polls, and says “See? The Dead CAN vote, you fuckwit bastards!”
    * At 00:45 the next morning, Romney reaches 280 Electoral College votes, but ABC, NBC, CBS, and their cable affiliates refuse to report the fact, insisting the O-Force is the winner.
    * At 00:46, the O-Force files lawsuits in Nevada and Colorado contesting the results, insisting that Mormons can only vote in Utah.
    * At 02:35, Obama gives a defiant concession speech, congratulating his campaign staff and supporters on their hard-earned victory. He then calls Romney out for not yet conceding the race. At the end of the speech, he breaks down into a podium-pounding tirade as staffers drag him off while he screams “You can’t evict me! Don’t repo my motorcade!”
    * At 05:30, tanks roll into major metropolitan regions to “keep the peace.” The O-Force says it’s not Martial Law; it’s a kinetic peacekeeping action.
    * The Stormin’ Mormon files a lawsuit, is promptly exiled to Manitoba.
    * Dogs and cats begin shacking up in record numbers.
    * On December 21st, the Mayan calendar runs out, but the world sadly trucks on.

No, but seriously, this is what I think will happen:

    * Romney wins and it won’t be close.
    * GOP makes gains in the House, is shut out of the Senate by two seats.
    * Obama is greatly relieved, but the media melts down.
    * Riots erupt in the ghettos of most major cities, with “youths” of an indeterminate race wreaking havoc.
    * Philadelphia joins Detroit, Beirut, Vladivostok, and Sheboygan as cities you just don’t go to, and if you happen to wake up in any of them one morning, you better run.
    * “The New Normal” settles in by Thanksgiving.
    * Romney is inaugurated.
    * Nothing changes.

So there you go.
Gamble responsibly.


2 Responses

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  1. kfc said, on October 14, 2012 at 11:02

    Oh that you had your own political column… you really are a good writer, Huckle… I don’t get the “President Ladies Tee” reference. ‘Splain?

    • El Borak said, on October 30, 2012 at 12:17

      What I would really like to see is Obama appear to lose the election just so we could witness the unhinged left in all its drooling, impotent rage for about 2 months. Then once they’ve been reduced to dressing like giant vaginas again, it would be, “Psyche! Obama’s still got more countries left to bomb before he can leave.”

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