Rollin' Like Sisyphus

A Republic, If You Can Keep It, And Other Paths Toward A Compensatory Schadenfreude

Posted in 2012 - A Year Of Lasts, Election 2012 by Huckleberry on November 3, 2012

Last call, Mr. & Mrs. America. Plus, let it be said that her Schadenfreude is far bigger than yours or mine right about now.

Look, you ain’t votin’ and I ain’t votin’ at least in a way that contemporary society deems non-wasteful, because we realize that no matter who wins, we all see the losers staring back in the mirror.
But that doesn’t mean we can’t find the silver linings to get us through THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION EVER (until the next one)!
On that note, Schadenfreude is the taking of pleasure in the misfortune of others, usually those who richly deserve or invite that misfortune upon themselves through hubris or applied acts of cockwaddery.
The following is a list of people I will take great joy in watching following the outcome of the election, dreams shattered, careers obliterated, as ignominious in defeat as they were arrogant and supercilious during the campaign.
And being the 21st century man that I am, my Schadenfreude swings to both sides, and yours should too. That way, no matter which candidate loses, your sense of pleasure in the destruction of others can be satiated.
On with the show!

IF PRESIDENT LADIES TEE LOSES
Nate Silver – Mr. Silver has been, is, and forever will be a hack. He is the embodiment of the danger that comes from a middling mind who masters one slim sliver of statistics and applies it to every aspect of the world. Sabermetrics has ruined my favorite sport by trying to invent a basket of meaningless statistics that, after a decade, have yet to produce a single playoff victory for any of the 30 teams in Major League baseball, yet all I ever hear about is WAR this, and PETCOA that, and SL-OPS up the ass, but in a sport where the best of the best fail more than 66% of the time, chasing these types of fine-tuned numbers is beyond a fool’s errand. This errand has led to other asshats (Football Outsiders) to apply the same types of analysis to my other favorite sport (sidebar: they’re all really my favorite sport, I’m a sucker for competition because contrary to the lamentations of the women, competition is human nature at its absolute best) with the ridiculous DVOA, which looks great on paper but crumbles entirely whenever its applied to the real world.
All of this is to say that Silver wasn’t even able to hack it in a sports-obsessed media desperately hungry for WAR-style sabermetrics, so he packed his hobo bag and hit the road to the sunny world of contemporary American politics. Out of the gate, he correctly “predicted” the O-Force’s win over Hillary!, then correctly “predicted” the O-Force’s victory of Buckles McCain, and soon he was the toast of the town, so much so that the increasingly irrelevant NY Times hired him to perform his unique brand of wish-casting for their 2010 Election coverage. Silver’s performance in that election was middling, like himself, but his reputation somehow grew stronger.
Throughout the Presidential campaign, despite the obvious cratering of President Ladies Tee’s chances, Silver has insisted that the O-Force maintains a 84.6483384% chance of winning. This would be fine, except that his methodology is thoroughly gamed to achieve this result. Basically, his awesome wish-casting model is mathematically weighting the results of certain polls higher than others, then taking the average of the entire weighted set and multiplying by a control figure to determine the percentage. Which would also be fine, except that the polls Silver assigns higher mathematical weight just happen to favor
President Ladies Tee to an absurd degree. What do I mean by absurd degree? Well, some of the polls he still uses are weeks old, most include ridiculous D+ Double Hockey Sticks turnout samples, and few of them are from polling firms with any repute. Anyway, if the Stormin’ Mormon pulls it off, I’m primarily going to look forward to watching this douchebag flounder about, trying to collect the pieces of his shattered career.
The Media – Through most of the summer, the “media” has been comically inept and obviously in the tank for one of the candidates over the other, despite the sad fact that few substantive differences exist between the two. However, since Sept. 11 2012, well, they have been awfully, woefully criminal and derelict. If you haven’t heard, President Ladies Tee had no problem launching a Kinetic Military Action to “liberate” Libya, and then sent a diplomatic envoy into the fray. Which would be fine, except he refused all requests for increased security leading up to the attack, then watched live through a video feed from a Predator drone (that likely had missiles) while militants assaulted the embassy. All requests for rescue on behalf of the US ambassador were ignored. Two Navy SEALS defied stand-down orders to attempt a rescue anyway, and got everyone to a safehouse. A turncoat had previously made the safehouse location known to the militants in advance, who already had mortars and rockets zeroed in.
Once at the safehouse, the ambassador and staff were again under attack, requested backup and rescue, and were ignored. Again, the President, his NSA team, and the Joint Chiefs watched the attack live on a video feed, and denied all requests. Then, he had audacity to hope that the whole thing could be wiped away by blaming it on a lame video that actually only started getting views after the finger was pointed at it, well after the attack. This is a cover-up of ridiculously epic proportions, on the same level of the Bay of Pigs if JFK had tried to cover that up and point to Cuba Libre filmmaker in Miami as the one responsible for the whole thing. The media has always been hack-tastic, but in the past at least they tried to pretend to do their jobs.
If the O-Force loses, the frothing Wicked Witch of the East meltdowns on Nov. 7 and beyond will keep me warm all winter long.
My Sister-in-Law – She wants you to know that a vote for anyone but the Big O is the same as donning a pillowcase, grabbing a pitchfork and a burning cross, and heading to Lynchville. She also wants you to know that Obama single-handedly added 190 million jobs, and would have done more if the Republicans weren’t a bunch of women-enslaving closeted cockfuckers. At a recent family BBQ, she could not be in the same room as Uncle Bluburty-blurb, who is obviously a racist, misogynist, fundamentalist cur because he has a Romney bumper sticker on his car. Mind you, the man never opened his mouth at all about politics in any way, shape or form. She saw it on the way in and within 4.6 seconds, she was in his face about it.
I already drafted a choice text message with her number on it should the Stormin’ Mormon win.
IF THE STORMIN’ MORMON LOSES
Glenn Beck, 2 Libertarians, & NRO – The conservative “media” has been just as awful covering this race, ignoring the fact that the Stormin’ Mormon was the liberal governor of a deeply blue liberal state, not the second coming of Calvin Coolidge that they’re making him out to be. The biggest motivating issue for most lay conservatives is the health care act, something that the GOP candidate could not run on due to his design and implementation of practically the same act while he was the liberal governor of a deeply blue liberal state. The only marginally conservative candidate in the race is on the wrong side of the ticket, the political world’s answer to Mr. Irrelevant. For all the decrying of wish-casting that the liberal media did (and continues to do) with the O-Force in 2008, this pack of asshats is doing with Mittens in this election – using the candidate as a cypher for all of their own wishes, dreams, and desires.
Also, two prominent big-L “Libertarians” who endorsed Romney because “anyone has to be better than Obama” and that a Romney presidency will “buy time” and “tread water” until a more Libertarian friendly candidate can be nominated-elected deserve nothing but scorn for their utter lack of principle.
My Douchebag Neighbor with the MY MAN MITT Car Flag – There is a guy three houses up who has a car flag hanging out of the rear driver’s side window of his Honda C-RV that reads “My Man MITT!” The guy has always bothered me, but this I just don’t get, especially when a brief Internet search doesn’t reveal any such car flag for sale anywhere. The guy apparently had it made custom. Additionally, car flags annoy me in their own right to no end. I will take great joy in watching him throw that car flag in the trash on Nov. 7.
President Barack H. Obama – He doesn’t want to win. He wants to go home. He wants to go play golf and pick-up basketball and get an overly generous advance on his next book and make six figures per engagement on the lecture circuit. He doesn’t want to be President.
For a man that deserves nothing but the full force of his own comeuppance, knowing that he’ll die a little bit each day of the next four years will also keep me warm all winter long.

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3 Responses

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  1. kfc said, on November 3, 2012 at 21:04

    Like I said before, I wish you had your own history channel, or news hour commentary show… Also, a “Man Mitt” sounds vaguely prurient.

  2. kfc said, on November 3, 2012 at 21:04

    Hillary looks like she might have just joined the mile high club. Unsettling.

  3. El Borak said, on November 3, 2012 at 21:31

    I didn’t even know there *were* two “Big L” Libertarians. Amazing that they are fooling themselves as purposely and as badly as the “Big C”* Conservatives. I’m simply torn. An executive-haired management machine like Romney will be far worse for the nation in the long term than Bronco Bama with a completely GOP legislature – which I think we’re going to get. On the other hand, the tears of impotent rage emitted by leftists across the fruited plains will probably have the power to cure cancer and stop the oceans’ rise. And I’m ready and willing to lick a liberal’s face just to find out**.

    Huck, good to see you’re still alive and kicking. I know it was you who put that look on Hillary’s face. But I promise not to tell anyone. Anyone but Nancy Pelosi, that is. Little minx is gunning for you, amigo. Just sayin’.

    * “Big C” in the best possible sense, of course.
    ** So long as it’s Scarlett Johansson.


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