Rollin' Like Sisyphus

Fatiguing The Indefatigable

Posted in The Fail Pail by Huckleberry on May 2, 2013
One thousand words, none of them “Chili.” Plus, if only we could all be a post-modern Oedipus…

One thousand words, none of them “Chili.” Plus, if only we could all be a post-modern Oedipus…

Another birthday has come and gone, proving the Doppler Effect provides a wider range of influence than the science books credit. With 33.3 percent of the 2013 in the books, I can safely say it’s going no better than 2012, but I can’t say it’s going any worse, so there’s that. Speaking of 2013, where are we at? I don’t claim to even know. I can see that every thin slice of good news comes slathered in a thick, greasy Caveat sauce that tastes slightly worse than it sounds. I know the current “correction” in the gold market is a great chance to buy, and if I had the spare change I’d pick some more up I would. Of course, the ammunition I own has substantially increased in value, so there’s that. Except now I don’t want to go shooting anymore because you’re literally burning money.
Shit went down in Boston, and I’m not really going to get into it because nothing that happened is all that different from what’s happened before and what will happen again. There is a script, it’s being followed, and here we are. My one comment on Boston, though, is for such a ridiculously liberal place, it is more thoroughly racist in every imaginable way than anyplace else I’ve ever been. But that’s really not surprising since most aspects of contemporary political discourse is psychological projection of one’s own shortcomings onto those of the big, bad Other.
Top Tip: When they come for your children, don’t be home. Or at the very least, don’t let them in and don’t go OUT to talk to them. This couple got lucky that some in the media were willing to give the story a little juice, but you absolutely cannot count on that happening for you. The best chance you have is before SWAT bumbles onto the scene. If you must entrench, record everything and call a lawyer. Have all communication then go through that lawyer.
And pack away a few spare fire extinguishers, because, you know, tear gas.
With summer peaking just around the corner, most of my free time has been spent tending to the grounds of the grand Casa de Huckleberry Estate. Reseeded and fertilized the lawns, replanted a few, er, plants, a shitload of weeding and the only thing that makes it bearable is beer and the knowledge that my time will now be more free for extended barbecuing sessions, sessions that piss off our new vegan neighbors to no good end.
It really is the little things.
So expect the smoker to be going early and often, well into each and every Friday night through the holidays, because the new neighbors thought it’d be awesome-sauce to schlep their hipster-doofus posteriors across a significant portion of the country to move in next door to me just to instruct me on the moral failings of my own existence.
It’d be thoughtful if it weren’t so predictable.
First up is a beautifully marbled slab of brisket which will be smoked for, probably, 16 hours under fine Georgia peachwood. I’m also tempted to dig a pit and do a whole-hog sometime over the summer, because nothing would get my point across like them seeing what the delicious animal used to look like.
We’ll see.


4 Responses

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  1. El Borak said, on May 2, 2013 at 12:06

    This is the kind of year 2013 is:

    A 53-year-old man reported to police he was punched in the face by a stranger on Massachusetts Street in the early-morning hours Saturday.

    The man was walking down the sidewalk in the 1100 block of Massachusetts Street about 2:05 a.m. Saturday when an unidentified male, who he did not know, approached and asked the man if he knew “what year it was,” said Sgt. Trent McKinley, a Lawrence Police Department spokesman. He then punched the man in the face.

    We’re only supposed to get 4″ of snow tonight. In freaking May. Maybe by July I can plant my Victory Garden.

    • Huckleberry said, on May 2, 2013 at 12:56

      Yes. That’s exactly what 2013 been like…

      Weather is 76 degrees and a gentle breeze is coming off the water, low and slow. Once upon a time, this used to all be farmland and orange groves, till someone had the bright idea to erect the nation’s second-shittiest city, a testament to uselessness.

  2. Giraffe said, on May 6, 2013 at 16:24

    sessions that piss off our new vegan neighbors to no good end.

    You’ve got vegan neighbors? If I lived in town I’d want vegan neighbors.

    I have a friend that is a jedi in the barbecue arts. His ribs are the best I’ve had. He had my family over and served brisket, chicken and ribs. So now I realize how much I suck at BBQ. I’m determined to improve. I cannot have my wife talking about another man’s meat.

    • Huckleberry said, on May 8, 2013 at 09:25

      Well, vegetarian anyway, if “cake” is a vegetable.
      I approach BBQ like some approach fine woodworking – an intensely satisfying craft that takes a lifetime to hone. After all these years and all of the effort I’ve put in and expert counsel I’ve solicited, I’m just about competent, not quite good. But even if my results were consistently terrible I’d keep right doing it, because there are few ways I’d rather spend my time.
      Keep honin’ it.
      Top tip: marinate pork in Dr. Pepper for a few hours before putting it in the smoker. Dublin Dr. Pepper if you can find it, because it uses pure cane sugar and the old school formula.

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