Rollin' Like Sisyphus

Apocalypse Watch Is NOW

Posted in A Chronicle Of Decline by Huckleberry on May 15, 2015

So since I was stuck in a multi-hour meeting yesterday that had absolutely nothing at all to do with me, I spent the time cobbling this together. You’ll note a new bug in the sidebar at the top.
This should explain that:

The Rollin’ Like Sisyphus PANIC Desk is armed and fully operational, ready to warn you within the nearest 36 hours of any and all changes to the current level of Armageddon in the Atmosphere. In exactly the same way that the Department of Homeland Security’s terror warning system provided a vague idea of the level of danger in any given moment, so to will this system provide a vague indication of the level of danger concerning THE END OF THE WORLD, which is a thing you should care enough about to get properly panicky.
The formulae and processes used to assess and assign the current Threat Condition are wholly proprietary, but I can tell you that it involves ambivalent magics, belligerent clerics of various faiths, stolen alien technology, a minor prop from the set of Paint Your Wagon and one .308 bullet tethered to a weather vane by a string of dental floss. The dental floss is cursed, the bullet less so.
But enough of that.
Here are the classifications, and a brief explanation of what each means to you and to the end of things.

Just Dandy

Dandy1All good, relatively speaking. The world is chugging along blissfully ignorant of the dangers lurking in the sky above, beneath the ground below, and lying in wait ‘round each and every bend. The PANIC Desk would like to note that, while this indicates that no danger is immediate or imminent, it’s still out there, somewhere, gunning for you and everything you hold dear. But don’t worry about that right now, I guess, is the point. Live it up and worry about tomorrow on the day after next. On your way home, pick up a cheeseburger and relish the fuck out of it.

Rain Of Toads

RainyToadAll is not well in the world. While the End Of All Time doesn’t quite factor into this category, the intrepid visionaries can see the roadmap from here. This threat condition involves odd events, weird harbingers, freak natural occurrences and disasters that, while they may be long off and far away, potentially foretell of greater doom and gloom to come. While there’s no need to head to the bunker or check that your powder is in fact dry, it’s a good time to for a dry run or two. On your way home, pick up a couple of pallets of water, maybe some batteries.

Roman Holiday

RomePucker up. The barbarians are at the gates, City Hall’s on fire, the general mood is bad and getting worse by the minute. Civil unrest, marital law and Ghostbusters crossing the streams are not only possible but likely imminent. Wars of every stripe are poised to break out; money may now be worth less or simply worthless. Consider forming a posse and strategize the most efficient ways of locking down your neighborhood. Give yourself an extra 20 minutes to get home, and on your way pick up some canned food, a few copies of the doctrinal religious text of your choice, and a case of whiskey.

It’s All Over

EndGood night, everybody. It’s been real. Hug your loved ones. Seek immediate shelter. Head to your bunker if you can. Drink a toast to the passing of mankind, and know that history will never surpass you; you are the pinnacle of the human race, just like the last generation of dinosaurs. Maybe the third time will be the charm on that score. Hope you don’t caught at work during a time like this. That’d just be sad. On your way home, pick up some more whiskey, because what the Hell.
This will be included on its own page found here.


3 Responses

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  1. Doom said, on May 15, 2015 at 13:45

    Ridiculous… until I noted you used the bullet on cursed floss. No, the other things work, but it takes a pallet load of tinfoil hats to cover for missing that marker. Plus, it’s just a nice caliber. My kind of nice anyway. Well, something something, and something else.

    • El Borak said, on May 15, 2015 at 19:51

      Nothing wrong with 30 caliber, to be sure.

  2. El Borak said, on May 15, 2015 at 19:50

    Dude, I think Rain of Toads is going to totally kick ass. And not in a cleverly-named garage band sort of way, either.

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