Rollin' Like Sisyphus

10 Fun Facts About The Future

Posted in A Chronicle Of Decline by Huckleberry on August 19, 2015
To see the future, there's no need to look up.

To see the future, there’s no need to look up.

Whatever you think about the future, or if you’re one of the many billions of people who hardly consider it at all, the future is interested in you even if you aren’t interested in it. Oddly enough, one thing that has always struck me as a little odd is that for the most part, even the height of THE ENLIGHTENMENT, during the HEYDAY of the Renaissance, or at the pinnacle of the ROMAN EMPIRE, not much was written about The Future as we would understand the concept. Prognostications, if any, focused around political movements in matter-of-fact ways, but ardent Futurism is a telling phenomenon of the Industrial Revolution, where we DREAM BIG about things like flying cars, hourly shuttle service to the moon, ray guns and robots and so on and so forth.
In a post-Industrial order, though, what does The Future look like? What does the future of looking at The Future look like?
The short answer is, I don’t know.
But I’ll take a stab at it anyway, with one caveat — all prognostications are subject to change.

    1. There will be robots. Robots that operate autonomously, robots that will be sold to the public to perform an array of labors and errands but will be used mostly for the performance of sex acts, because this will always be the chief use for any groundbreaking technology. They will also break down frequently, perform poorly, and will be susceptible to hacking in a variety of ways; believe me when I tell you that nothing will be quite so much fun as the data concerning the tawdry sexual proclivities of the Movers and Shakers hits the Internets.

    2. The robots will be purged.

    3. There will be self-driving cars. Cars that will operate in several fashions depending on locality, where cars in the city will be centrally managed by a Google-like Cloud system, cars in the suburbs will self-navigate using its own onboard systems, and where cars in the country will be shut down and told to get back to the suburbs or the cities, you inbred hicks. The cars will be riddled with bugs of both software and hardware, hackers will be one step ahead of every new security protocol, the local authorities will go nearly bankrupt from an inability to tax through citations, the federal authorities will have an awesome new weapon for IRS audits (“None of your vehicle’s data backs up your claimed deductions, Mr. Gonzalez”) and engineered traffic catastrophes with triple- and quadruple-digit casualties will be commonplace.

    4. The self-driving cars will be purged.

    5. There will be drones. There are already drones, but there will be drones to the exclusion of nearly all other aircraft aside from passenger liners. And then when terrorists use drones purchased from Radio Shack for $29.99 and fly them into passenger liners with nearly unstoppable regularity, there may no longer be passenger liners. The authorities could feasibly attach a drone to surveil every single person in a given jurisdiction, 24/7. They will also be used, when not malfunctioning, to deliver goods, tend to the wounded, monitor the traffic of self-driving cars, fight fires, start fires, and record sex tapes of the rich and famous from every imaginable angle.

    6. The drones will be purged.

    7. There will be nano-technology. It will provide a revolutionary way to manufacture everything from large machines to sub-atomic structures, potentially allowing you to “grow” products that are higher quality and cheaper than anything you’ll find today. For medical applications, they can likely heal just about anything without the muss and fuss of surgery. Bulletproof shirts that feel like cotton, broken limbs repaired in hours, fucking elevators to space; it could be the miracle we’ve been waiting for. But between the nanites and the sex-bots, humanity will have nothing more to do but roam the city streets in their self-driving cars, dodging drones and lamenting that everyone is bulletproof.

    8. The nanites will be purged.

    9. There will be genetic augmentation. This augmentation will come in an array of varieties, from pre-natal genetic screenings to genetically tailored babies to gene and chromosome therapy for naturally selected people. Some will elect to tailor their offspring for athletic prowess, mental sharpness, and aesthetic pleasantness; for those already born, therapies will attempt to eradicate propensities to a host of diseases and maladies, sharpen the senses, improve mental alacrity and physical conditioning all without a single moment’s effort. When these genetically modified superpeople return to their lives of utter vacuity and emptiness, devoid of even the pretense of adversity because THEY’RE PERFECT NOW, will fold like cheap laundry when the lower castes breach the walls to smash and break and crush.

    10. The geneticists will be purged.

We’ll see.
Divining actions is easy, reactions, less so.


One Response

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  1. Doom said, on August 20, 2015 at 10:06

    Ahahahaha. You definitely cheer me up, especially when you are being so optimistic! With friends like you, who needs… other friends? :p Keep up the good work.

    Oh, no… I’m not, necessarily, doubting… or agreeing. Just… laughing. Well, and cheered up now. Begone! Wait… this is your place. I keep forgetting. Later.

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