Rollin' Like Sisyphus

The Candidate Who Wasn’t There

Posted in Best Election Ever by Huckleberry on September 22, 2016

So we have a candidate who is still somehow leading in the polls, such as they are, despite numerous questions surrounding her dealings, her health, and even her continued presence on this mortal coil. CUNTON II canceled every campaign event on her calendar this week without giving any reason, sending “superstar” surrogates like President-Sheriff Uncle Joe Biden, Our Simple Affirmative Action President Barack “The Islamic Shock” Obama, and First Wookie of the United States Michele Obama out onto the campaign trail to rally the troops and win over the undecideds. Between her campaign-by-proxy and her $68 million spent on ads (which yours truly got to suffer through during every commercial break of every football game he watched this past weekend) Trump has still managed to close the gaps in numerous (and dubious) polls since Labor Day, almost as if he were running against a politician as disliked and disenfranchised from any natural constituency as Jeb Bush.
And yet, despite all that fall, and all the appearances that this is now a dead-even race, CUNTON II herself ponders why she isn’t 50 points ahead at this point in the race, as her original campaign plan had accounted for at this point in the race.
To answer that question, I must ask a few questions of my own regarding the Democratic candidate.

Is Hillary Clinton, as of September 22, 2016 at 13:01 PDT, still alive?

Is Hillary Clinton, as of September 22, 2016 at 13:01 PDT, a robot, an android, a cyborg, or an automaton?

Is Hillary Clinton, as of September 22, 2016 at 13:01 PDT, the cumulative result of apply green-screen and CGI techniques to create the impression that she is alive, well, and actively campaigning without any actual evidence of her physical presence existing anywhere?

Is Hillary Clinton, as of September 22, 2016 at 13:01 PDT, the cumulative result of next-generation holographic technology, the predecessors of which had a resurrected Tupac performing on stage at Coachella, Michael Jackson avoiding pedophilia charges at the Billboard Music Awards, and Ronald Reagan giving a speech on the horrors of a potential Mitt Romney presidency, the creators have the hologram have been conspicuously quiet since about the time that Clinton officially announced her run for 2016. Perhaps they’ve been busy.

Is Hillary Clinton, as of September 22, 2016 at 13:01 PDT, a composite Frankenstein of dead Democratic voters?

Is Hillary Clinton, as of September 22, 2016 at 13:01 PDT, Boris Yeltsin in drag, exiled through whatever the New Russian equivalent of Witness Protection is called?

Is Hillary Clinton, as of September 22, 2016 at 13:01 PDT, Julian Assange in drag, exiled through whatever the Post-Colonial Ecuadorian equivalent of Witness Protection is called?

Is Hillary Clinton, as of September 22, 2016 at 13:01 PDT, Michael J. Fox in drag, exiled from a parallel dimension where Family Ties was less a quaint, feel-good television show, and more of a wartime atrocity?

Is Hillary Clinton, as of September 22, 2016 at 13:01 PDT, Carmen San Diego?

Ordinarily I’d close this out by satirically pointing out that I’m joking.
But I’m not joking.
Given everything I’ve seen and everything I know about Clinton and her cohort, each and every one of these possibilities is valid and fair game, and frighteningly not mutually exclusive of each other.
ANY OR ALL OF THEM MIGHT BE TRUE.
May God have mercy upon us all.

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4 Responses

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  1. El Borak said, on September 22, 2016 at 13:15

    Friday already? Who knew?

    • Huckleberry said, on September 22, 2016 at 16:59

      I keep telling y’all it comes quicker every week.

      • El Borak said, on September 23, 2016 at 09:02

        *checks the calendar* I see what you mean.

  2. Doom said, on September 23, 2016 at 00:21

    On the upside… for Bill? If she is dead, he is probably, finally, again, getting some. And, yeah, I think he would. No colder than before, half the noise. Just thought I’d warm your cockles. Warming with ice? Magic.


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