2 JULY 2015
“According to our inside source — FBI agents are telling their friends and family members to avoid ‘official celebrations.‘ Fox News reported Monday evening on Special Report that the FBI is setting up command centers around the country to prepare for possible terror attacks on the Fourth of July holiday weekend. “FBI tells Fox News it is building command centers around US to monitor terror threats over July 4 holiday” … ISIS posted a map of July 4th FBI command centers on Wednesday. The map shows the temporary command posts set up across America for the upcoming Independence Day weekend.
26 JUNE 2015
18 JUNE 2015
Nine people died in an “unfathomable” act of violence at a historic predominantly black Charleston, South Carolina, church Wednesday evening when a gunman opened fire during a prayer service in what police describe as a “hate crime” … “The NAACP was founded to fight against racial hatred and we are outraged that 106 years later, we are faced today with another mass hate crime,” NAACP president Cornell William Brooks said. “There is no greater coward than a criminal who enters a house of God and slaughters innocent people engaged in the study of scripture.”
9 JUNE 2015
Secret Service Orders White House Press Briefing Room Evacuated … Our camera in the WH briefing room was just covered up – our live shot from the briefing tuned dark. Who did that? Why?
8 JUNE 2015
Another source close to the matter told Breitbart Texas that “at least five shots were fired from Mexico and three hit the CBP chopper. The source claimed that two shots hit the cabin and one hit the engine. Another source close to the matter told Breitbart Texas that two shots hit the engine and one hit the cabin. Both sources cited in this paragraph claimed that an agent in the cabin was not wearing a vest and had it stashed on the floor and that the vest being on the floor ultimately saved the agent’s life. Agents explained that their vests are often placed below them in choppers because any rounds would come from below.
24 MAY 2015
Record rainfall wreaked havoc across a swath of the U.S. Midwest on Sunday, causing flash floods in normally dry riverbeds, spawning tornadoes and forcing at least 2,000 people to flee. Officials said Saturday at least one person died in the flooding in Hays County, reports CBS affiliate KEYE in Austin. About 350 homes in the town of Wimberley were washed away by flash floods along the Blanco River, which rose 26 feet in just one hour and left piles of wreckage 20 feet high, Texas authorities said.
21 MAY 2015
Topless Women Shut Down Traffic in San Francisco for Black Women/Trans Lives Matter Protest — Black female protesters shut down traffic in the San Fransisco financial district today for a rally against police brutality against black/trans women.
20 MAY 2015
Just in time for Back to the Future Part II to come true (well, maybe not the part about the Chicago Cubs), the Smithsonian hosted the first public demonstration of the Hendo hoverboard this weekend. The hoverboard doesn’t require its own specialized track to work. Instead, it works on any conductive surface, meaning a skate park could just put a sheet of copper under a thin surface to make it hoverboard-ready.
The Rollin’ Like Sisyphus PANIC Desk is armed and fully operational, ready to warn you within the nearest 36 hours of any and all changes to the current level of Armageddon in the Atmosphere. In exactly the same way that the Department of Homeland Security’s terror warning system provided a vague idea of the level of danger in any given moment, so to will this system provide a vague indication of the level of danger concerning THE END OF THE WORLD, which is a thing you should care enough about to get properly panicky.
The formulae used to assess and assign the current Threat Condition are wholly proprietary, but I can tell you that it involves ambivalent magics, belligerent clerics of various faiths, stolen alien technology, a minor prop from the set of Paint Your Wagon and one .308 bullet tethered to a weather vane by a string of dental floss. The dental floss is cursed, the bullet less so.
But enough of that.
Here are the classifications, and a brief explanation of what each means to you and to the end of things.
All good, relatively speaking. The world is chugging along blissfully ignorant of the dangers lurking in the sky above, beneath the ground below, and lying in wait ‘round each and every bend. The PANIC Desk would like to note that, while this indicates that no danger is immediate or imminent, it’s still out there, somewhere, gunning for you and everything you hold dear. But don’t worry about that right now, I guess, is the point. Live it up and worry about tomorrow on the day after next. On your way home, pick up a cheeseburger and relish the fuck out of it.
Rain Of Toads
All is not well in the world. While the End Of All Time doesn’t quite factor into this category, the intrepid visionaries can see the roadmap from here. This threat condition involves odd events, weird harbingers, freak natural occurrences and disasters that, while they may be long off and far away, potentially foretell of greater doom and gloom to come. While there’s no need to head to the bunker or check that your powder is in fact dry, it’s a good time to for a dry run or two. On your way home, pick up a couple of pallets of water, maybe some batteries.
Pucker up. The barbarians are at the gates, City Hall’s on fire, the general mood is bad and getting worse by the minute. Civil unrest, marital law and Ghostbusters crossing the streams are not only possible but likely imminent. Wars of every stripe are poised to break out; money may now be worth less or simply worthless. Consider forming a posse and strategize the most efficient ways of locking down your neighborhood. Give yourself an extra 20 minutes to get home, and on your way pick up some canned food, a few copies of the doctrinal religious text of your choice, and a case of whiskey.
It’s All Over
Good night, everybody. It’s been real. Hug your loved ones. Seek immediate shelter. Head to your bunker if you can. Drink a toast to the passing of mankind, and know that history will never surpass you; you are the pinnacle of the human race, just like the last generation of dinosaurs. Maybe the third time will be the charm on that score. Hope you don’t caught at work during a time like this. That’d just be sad. On your way home, pick up some more whiskey, because what the Hell.